I really have no idea what I am doing any more. Did I ever truly know? Was there ever a clearer path than darkness to follow? This year so far, has been so challenging and not in a ‘let’s overcome this hurdle’ challenging way, but more in a ‘what the fuck is the point way’. It’s been over four months now since I’ve been to a place of employment. We’ll that’s not true, but it’s been that length of time since anyone has paid me to be there on a daily basis. I simply cannot carry on like this. I don’t understand what it is I am doing wrong. Yes I am happy to be short-listed, and in most cases I am finding I am not only short-listed for interview, but short-listed after interview to the top 2, 3 or 4… That’s fantastic. But it’s not getting the job done is it. Sure I can secure a zero hour contract affair, but even there with referencing and paperwork it’s taking so very long to actually get sorted to get some kind of work and experience.
I used short-listed a lot in that first paragraph. The way this year has started… I don’t know, really more than I’ve ever felt before it’s been disappointment after disappointment. Most of them costing me money, self-belief, confidence and now actual health concerns. I’ve just lost a complete week of searching for solutions due to a very painful situation, which has subsided now, but to complete the recovery it will now cost. A lot of time, money, energy and pain.
I’ve tried for so so long now to find a solution myself. I’ve sought advice where it’s been available and I’ve tried so hard to keep my worries out of my social life. The last thing I want to do is to burden any of my friends with any of the shit I am going through. But I honestly and simply don’t know, how much longer it is I can keep up this façade. I don’t know how many masks I can wear.