Default State

Does anyone ever have those days.. weeks.. months where there is so much to do on the to-do list that you end up getting overwhelmed and doing.. none of it. Then of course you feel worse because you’ve not achieved anything? – I am there at the moment. I’ve just returned from what was overall a very successful weekend away. I say that, like that, because generally I felt less anxiety about the weekend past than I ever have before, and it included a bit of traveling at times I wouldn’t usually choose to travel at. It was a good weekend were I got to do two of my three planned activities and I didn’t mind not getting to the third because it meant I could spend more time with the second. I was extremely happy with how this weekend went. But the knock on effect is a to-do list of 13 items. Doesn’t sound like that much does it, but all of them are somewhat taxing. I like breaking down a task in to smaller bits, but at some point, you’ve gotta start doing.. the bits otherwise the bits get everywhere and it’s hard to even find them.

I don’t know where to go from here. (No longer talking about tasks). Things are.. changing. Very fast and most days these days. Things change, develop, continue, fade away, fissures grow wider, craters deepen, some are simply too big to span at this point and building in lava.. I’m not sure I have the skills for that, or the energy these days. The boat’s a’floatin, but she’s taking on water faster than I can bail it out. There’s positivity amongst the change too. Some of it is camouflaged and hard to spot, but it’s definitely there. Sometimes I feel myself getting caught up in it and I have to make sure I still have a hand and perhaps a food tied down to reality, because when you start believing the hype you create for yourself.. That’s when you’re truly floating without a tether.

Times are.. challenging at the moment, for the mind, mentally. Change brings about taxing thoughts and with that comes different sets of feelings. For the mind to process and find it’s way towards acceptance. Why.. everybody can’t just.. but that’s a perfectionistic world, and I am sorry, but that simply doesn’t exist. Does anyone have.. A default state (of being, of mind, of soul)..? I feel like I do, and I feel that I can feel myself slipping back to that state much easily these days. It can be a good place, a positive thing, but equally can be a negative place or space too. I know what mine is. I feel that fate brings me back to it most days. No matter how much I struggle and try to fight against it. I always end up back in that state of soul.

On the whole, this is a surprisingly positive post, which really wasn’t the intention when I started to write this. Funny how things change. Fucking shitty too to be honest. You find yourself saying ‘eh such is life’ or worse ‘it is what it is’ or ‘it will be what it will be’ – never a less positive…. I’m tired of that. Talking today to an old friend and going on a mini rant saying that I am going to stop saying ‘what I would like’ and start saying ‘what I want’ more… and the next words out of my mouth were… ‘what I would like’.. Doh! I am literally as mad as a box of frogs.

Check in on friends… make sure yours are still around, still with beating hearts, still living within the realms. Be it nothing more than lip service.. the person you check on will likely be pleasantly surprised to be checked in on. Mental Health Matters. Equality Matters. Period.