Why does it feel like at the moment I cannot get anything done? Any free time I get to myself I waste by sleeping or resting. Any time I find myself busy and unavailable, I have the urge and inspiration to do my own things, but I never quite get the time. I am so down at the moment. Much further down than I’ve been or it’s felt like i’ve been for so long. I want to talk about it, but it doesn’t feel like talking about it will help either. I don’t know what it is I am waiting for, but whatever it is, it’s not coming. It’s not showing any sign of coming whatsoever. What are you waiting for you stupid lump of wastage?!
I know nobody is going to change anything for me, they can’t this has to come from me. I know it does. I’ve known that forever. I am not as thick as I look. But so, so much wishing.. really doesn’t make it so. Whatever this blockage is.. It feels more than procrastination. It feels like there’s an actual physical obstacle sitting there in the way, and I just don’t have the power or patience to push over, through or ahead of it. Perhaps.. ‘this’ is it. Perhaps there doesn’t need to be anything more than this.. and if that is the case then I wish the world would give me some kinda sign that this is what it is and that there’s nothing more to be done. To be achieved. – But I don’t feel like ‘this’ is it. I feel like there can be something more from here. I just feel stuck. In quicksand. Sinking.
The creativity.. of sorts isn’t stuck. The ideas are still there. But making them happen, making any kinda positive step towards making them happen, just hasn’t happened as yet. What am I waiting for? There shouldn’t be anything holding me back now… So why am I still so stuck. Why can’t I see what’s in front of my face sometimes… The cover images… all utilise new AI technologies to create. Generative AI… Using AI tools to help humans create… I spend more time and energy in creating these and writing these posts than I can see myself putting into any ‘project’. Why? Mis-directed creativity? Why?
Lately, planned things haven’t always gone to plan, or haven’t at all gone to plan whatsoever – that shit takes it’s toll on you after a while. I’ve felt like I need a break for a while now. Perhaps that’s… part of this too. But I dunno. I need this period to pass. I’d like to be able to you know, start to find some of the joy in life again… I am not asking for miracles – they don’t exist. Just a bit of good luck for a change. For a while. Perhaps.
None of these questions can really be answered by anyone other than me, I know that. I am just letting them out – in the home that.. well in the hope that I can clear my mind and get on with things.