I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I literally haven’t got a fucking clue. There have been many more questions lately, more so than there are answers. I don’t have the answers to the questions I am asked these days. I know what it is I want, I know how to get it. But I still can’t answer the questions. It doesn’t make any sense to you? Well that makes two of us then. Why is it I cannot get anything done? Progress.. It happens everyday around me. But yet I am still stuck. So many ideas, pathways, opportunities, they are all there, just out of reach, as they have always been. You make your own luck. The plan is in place, now it just needs someone to come along and execute it for me. Because god knows I can’t.
I don’t know how I am feeling at the moment. I know it’s no easier than it ever was. I know that much. That much reminds me when it punches me in the guts shortly after waking up each day. Sometimes that.. is enough. It’s been hot lately. Oh there we go another excuse to do fuck all. Perhaps it’s not that bad. Perhaps it is like people say and I am making progress, I just can’t see it. Perhaps I am just too close to it. Perhaps I won’t see it. Perhaps I don’t want to see it. Perhaps I think I don’t deserve to see it. I can tell you someone who absolutely does not know the answer to any of those things.. me.
There is so much I want to do yet. So much I haven’t yet achieved. I know what has to be done to get there and get these things done, believe me, I really do know. I just don’t know if I have it in me. It’s one thing being told that you can by others, but an entirely different thing to know that you can yourself. I need a break. Some space. A Disconnect. But it’s not as easy as that.. is it? Is it?
All of the words in the world cannot describe this feeling.
You’ve been gone 4 years now Mum. I miss you no less than I did the first day. I am at a loss this year. I don’t know what it is I am feeling really. But this year I think, I just feel.. Empty. And Life at the moment is very much.. not empty. It’s full of distractions. Do I wan’t distractions tho? I refer you back to the start of this post.. I don’t know.