137 Days…

This post on its own will seem, published now, completely out of place. The reason for this is there has been a period of time now that has passed between the events of the 6th June 2019 and the weeks that lead up to that event. These things are still, too hurtful, too personal for me to publish. But I am not ashamed of sharing them, and when I find the right medium to let those thoughts out, I will do.

Mum passed away early on the morning of the 6th June 2019 at 4:40 am. She had survived for two years, seven months and eight days from the date which she had been told she would be dead by. Think about that for a moment, being told you have x amount of time to live. I don’t know how she went on day by day from that faithful day. It if was me I might have just given up. But Mum was strong. She was a fighter. She twice passed the anniversary of the date the Doctors predicted. She was one hell of a fighter.

Throughout my Mum’s illness, I had taken notes, every time there was involvement with Doctors or Medical Staff in-fact. There is a record from my point of view from the very start. Till the very end. Following the end I started a new collection of writing. A personal blog if you will, to my Mum. There is all kinda in there now. A daily account of my day, how life is for me without Mum by my side. Feeling like I can’t talk to her anymore. How the days have gone by, when I’ve been pissed off or angry or sad. When I suppose innocent comments are made and how they affect me now she is gone. Because they do, you know. They do affect me, and they shouldn’t I should be stronger than that. But I am not.

I’ve included an extract from what I wrote on the day she passed away.

6th June 2019

There are so many words that will remain unspoken. There is so much love and pain here now. But thankfully your pain and your suffering is over now. You fought a hell of a battle and you got so far. It hurts me that I never got to really thank you for being you, for being who you were and for raising me as you did. You never got to see me really, truly happy. I already feel so alone. I remember how surreal it felt to be sitting at your bedside listening to music that was playing in the background. I’ll never forget how Bryan Adams – Summer of 69 followed by Don Henley’s – The Boys of Summer and The Boss’s Dancin’ in the Dark played.

I think that towards the end I got complacent. I got to a point where I thought you were unwell, but just resting and that your move to 4Y was a good thing. To help you get on top of your pain. That’s all. I never thought we were at the stage to being so close to the end. It was a total shock to me. But I wonder if you knew, somehow, and that is why you didn’t put up too much of a fight getting you back to hospital the second time. I am so so sorry. I don’t get how after everything I can be so unprepared for this.

Everything I do or think of seems to have less joy or consequence now. A lot of what I enjoyed doing was made better by having you around to share it or its outcome with. I feel that died with you. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I have so much more to say. There have been so many of these 136 days since Mum passed away that things happened on. Many that nothing happened on too, but all of them were written on and continue to be so. I will continue to until there is nothing left to say. Of course this isn’t all about me. There is the rest of my family too, and there are times I will speak about them in my writings. I don’t particularly see a need to hold back. I am who I am.

I have no reasons to be posting this now. Nothing significant has happened today to make me want to post this. Just a never-shrinking list of things to do that almost never get done. A spark of.. I don’t know, perhaps just even a moment of clarity where sleep is not forthcoming, gaming isn’t interesting and just a passing moment. There’s never really been a reason or a need for me to explain why something is the way it is. It just felt like the right time to stop and take a moment and update some things. 

My entry for today has not yet been written.