Where we go when we’re not there?

It’s August again. Time.. Life.. Moves on. It’s relentless. Regardless. We made it through July somehow, without major catastrophe. In fact there were even some good times experienced during July. A Return to events mid-month which you can read about over at x40.co.uk and late in the month a return to the track, to Oulton once more with the guys.. It was however quite a quiet month on most of its days, and it’s often those days that end up being the hardest for me. The days where nothing is happening, and nothing proceeds to happen very, very slowly. Yet somehow we’ve made it into August again.

It’s still Summer. I like the summer, but not really for the heat, I could honestly do without the heat sometimes, particularly the excessive heat we’ve experienced so far this year. The kind that burns so quickly if you stand within it. The kind that makes working or doing much with a computer near on impossible. The kind that you really could say goodbye to for good. I am not built for the heat.

Where do we go when we are not there? – Is a question, but is it the question? I don’t feel you will come away from this post with an answer to it. I don’t think I am ready for the question at this point. 

June, the end of June, post-UG Birthday celebrations… ended with a trip to Camp n Furnace to see The Untold Orchestra performing their Bowie tribute night, followed just a few days later with seeing the first performance of a Radiohead cover band in District. Two great venues sharing many of the same characteristics yet implementing them completely differently.

July started with a trip up the Manchester Ship Canal, which has been on my list of things to go and do for a good many years at this point. I / we had a really good day out with that trip. I would recommend it to anyone. A Return to Unity for a Dance Performance as part of the Liverpool Asian Festival happened in the middle of the month and then right at the end of July I found myself at Oulton Park again, but this time not for touring cars as such, but for the Gold Cup – A collection of classic car races, another thing that’s been on my hitlist for a good number of years. If you want to know how any of those events went, you can read about all of them over at x40.co.uk, or click the links above.

I will say that during all of them, I really enjoyed myself. I’ve not yet met an event that I haven’t enjoyed, so that’s a good thing to start with. But as with anything.. well no, as with most things, there is another side to them. A darker, deeper side.

Since turning 40, I would say I’ve definitely had my share of good and bad days. When I am occupied, and I have something to do or somewhere to go, I may still find myself stuck inside my head, but I enjoy what I am able to do, so those days are.. copeable if that’s even a word. But on the other days. The days where you have to take a second after waking up (if you get any sleep), to just sit on the end of the bed and think about the day, about getting through it, about making it to the end of the day and a return to sleep (if you get any sleep). Those days are hard. Well no. Those days are fucking brutal. I’ve noticed throughout the thoughts and feelings I’ve had since turning 40, that I have found myself sometimes incredibly lonely. Alone and lonely. – Sounds stupid because one may think they both go together like crackers and cheese, anxiety and depression, but no, as it turns out, they are completely different and independent to each other. Turns out I can feel alone.. and I can feel lonely. And apparently, to my brain, those are two completely independent states of mind.

I would have to say that at the moment, the loneliness is taking pole position in terms of feelings. Anxiety seems to – at the moment, have taken a break a little. But I say that while holding a pinch of salt because it has now been a while since I have been out there on my own… and my next opportunity is later this week, so I am fully expecting a triumphant return of Anxiety before and during that day. The good old black dog of Depression has been hanging around lately too. A lost of interest in what I have been doing in my off-days which has previously kept me from feeling low has definitely been occuring.

Sometimes to the extreme of.. keeping me alone when company, even the virtual kind may have just pulled me through some of the moments of loneliness. I know it’s happening, and I know what it’s up to. I see it all too clearly now. But that doesn’t mean I have the power or energy to reach out and stop it. Friends are good, family too, they can see what I am going through and they do try to fix it. – It’s not a fixable issue. I mean it probably is, but it has to come from me, and some days.. most of the days, the energy is just not there within me. Perhaps it will be someday, things I feel are moving forward at least. But change comes excruciatingly slowly, and it has to come from me, otherwise I would just be changing for others, and that’s just not what works for me.

I’ve been asked recently what it is I see myself doing in the future… The answer is I really, really have no idea at this point. I know I am not at a point of seeing whatever it is clearly. I know I am still working through what’s in my head and what’s keeping me in my head. I know that I do see a future, which has been a huge mindset change from back when I was diagnosed. That has to be progress. I know it won’t be enough for some, but it has to be enough for me.

The fact that I see some sort of light through all of this is a good step forward for me. I know I don’t want to feel this way forever. If this journey of discovery of self that x40 has kept me on this year has done nothing else… it has given me.. that. I find myself coming back to ‘Han’ sometimes. The the fundamental meaning more than anything else, to the looking through it all and yet still somehow finding hope.

I feel I should say.. to any friends reading this drivel, I know I’ve neglected you and our friendship. But I really don’t take any of it for granted. I know I am a needy, annoying sob. I am working on it, that’s about all I can say on it. I.. lose myself when I am inside myself, but most of all, I don’t want to be burdening you or bothering you with my particular brand of nonsense all day every day, so I tend to revert to my default state of quietness. It’s automatic and I find I have to actively pull myself back from it when it happens.

Another thing that happened since turning 40 seems to be that I have found myself crying sometimes. Usually at really unopportunistic moments, like in the shower, or laying in bed trying to fall asleep. It’s good to cry and I wish to god I could do it more often. I wish I could do it with actual fucking tears, that’d make a nice change too. But it’s started to come out a little more. Twice in two weeks, and each time I have felt somewhat lighter afterwards. It’s not a cure but it can be a release. I have so much more to say. But for now, let’s move on into August and I will try to.. say more of what I have to say here, more regularly. Letting things build up inside is simply not the way for me.