I’ve been up on a high lately and I think that’s somewhat down to the activities and experiences I am putting myself forward for, you can read about it via x40.co.uk if you are interested, and being on a somewhat high, people are always looking around for a way or a slope down which you are going to slide. The anxious side of me is looking for the slope also. But it hasn’t really clearly presented itself as yet. I must say, after starting to ‘do’ some things, when I am back home and doing nothing, I get tired of myself very very quickly. But I cannot be out and about all of the time. I am not rich and I simply don’t have the energy.
Sure, the getting outside is good for me, I know it is.. I wouldn’t have pushed forward with my plans if I thought it wasn’t good for me, and I have been busy, that’s for sure. But this renewed effort, it’s still not ‘real life’ as there’s still a disconnect, a return to ‘real life’ when experiences are over and done with. That disconnect doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at the moment. It’s still there and I am still very aware of it. I’d like it to fade away and for experiences to simply become a part of my real life, but let’s take things one step at a time. The progress I have made has been – at least to other people – outstanding.
It’s still not a ‘real’ state to live inside of. It’s not quite ‘fake happiness’ like the mask that we wear for others not to see the pain all of the time. It doesn’t feel unreal like that does. But it’s still in a place, on a plane which is somewhat unreachable via normal means of travel. But there is inside it all, somewhere, some feeling of HAN, some kind of hope through all the darkness that I can find a way to live there someday.
It is good that other people are noticing a change, either in me or my attitude towards stuff. Some things haven’t changed, I know they haven’t, I can’t feel any difference in some areas. But there’s time for these changes to get through to me too I guess. I have felt a renewed interest in working creatively on my own projects, with one already launched this year, I have a plan and my main daily activities include doing a bit of work on some of these. Not rushing them, they have to come naturally, otherwise it’ll just be like it was what I was working for clients. It has to come naturally if it is going to come at all.
I’ve been listening to an artist called Kings Elliot lately. She’s a singer / songwriter from the UK who’s written some songs on her EP which have really become adopted by me. During a recent trip away, I had a ticket and an opportunity to go and see this artist perform live, at her first gig, before the fame comes and the ability to access interaction on this level becomes impossible. But I failed to go. I was knackered, I don’t think I could have gotten there, enjoyed it and got back all within one night. I was kicking myself afterwards for not going however. The regret has been a big one with this one. I couldn’t at the time beat myself up about it too much, but it was a disappointment to me, and another regret to add to the ever-growing list.