3 Years

3 Years ago today, at the time this post publishes, I lost my best friend, confidant and Mum. She was cruelly taken away from us thanks to indiscriminate, uncaring lung cancer. That bastard cancer which is frankly the often-forgotten / neglected cancer that isn’t as ‘sexy / visible’ to campaign for as say breast cancer. I don’t need a yearly reminder of the day that I lost my Mum, I don’t ask for one or go seeking it out. It’s just there regardless. I would much rather forget this day all together and let my thoughts focus on remembering her for all she was in August on her Birthday. But however I look at things, there is no escaping at the moment, the memories of this morning some 3 years ago.

No quotes, or lyrics with this one, no artwork, just my thoughts as I consider them this morning. To those who say ‘it gets easier with time’… great, but some 15 years on from the 1st June 2007, it’s gotten no easier for my Aunt who lost her mother that day. And yes of course I know we are all different in the way we react and handle things. I really do get that. I am not looking for this to be over in any way. I am not even looking for it to get easier within these three short years. I am just stating facts and one of them is that no matter how I have approached this day, so far in these past years, there is no way I can come up with to handle it any better than I currently am.

Anyway… As some sort of massive distraction, this year I have been busying myself to try to arrange a night out for my Family, Friends and I, to go and celebrate my (almost) reaching of the age of 40. The night(s) out will be before the big day happens, by design, as I don’t intend to be here in this house for the marking of the day. If I get my way, I will find myself alone somewhere away from people entirely. I cannot deal with ‘people’ in general on that day. It’s simply too painful for me right now. So in arranging these nights out, I have invited my family and friends. Not all of which have responded, worryingly. But at this stage it is what it is and will be what it will be. If people wanna come and share a drink or two with me then great, if they can’t make it, well there’s not much I can do about that anyway. I know for sure that one or two friends who I invited cannot make it. I get it, I understand. Sure it’s disappointing, it would be anyway, but I do understand it. You’ll all be there in my head and memories anyway.

I’ve tried in general this year, via x40.co.uk to busy myself more of the time, and I have generally enjoyed it. Getting back into the outside world a little more. I have had some good experiences and made some of my own memories. I am planning to have that continue for the remainder of 2022. What happens beyond that is at this point still anyone’s guess, but I am planning to finish off the year attending whatever I can wherever I can, alone for the most part. I’ve also busied myself with my own projects… websites and with learning how to 3D Print. I still have a project list with many a little (and some bigger) projects I want to get around to. It is fighting to keep myself motivated that delays my own self-progress sometimes. I would still like to speak with a councillor of some sort. I still believe that would help my mental health status, but it’s just not an open avenue for me at the moment. It has taken now 6 months plus for me to get an appointment to see somebody about my Knee / Leg / Foot, I mean jesus, getting a doctors appointment post-pandemic has been a hard enough battle on it’s own.

Anyway (again)… Where are we? It’s 2022… I cannot even begin to answer that question. I miss my Mum every second of every minute of every hour of every day. All of the days, weeks, months and years. I have sat here and wished things were different for so many of those grains of time too. In the coming months, this year and beyond, I would really like to be able to.. to feel like I am in a place and strong enough to start to look at some of the memories and moments of time that still remain in what was my Mum’s room. I simply haven’t been in a place where I have been able to get there as yet. I still don’t feel ready, but I will push myself today, the 6th June 2022, to sit in there for a little time, and to do what I can. A start at least.