A heart that’s full up like a landfill…
Where does it change? When should the change be expected? What has to fall in place in order for it to happen? Life lately has been incredibly testing, and it seems no amount of luck, time or effort is getting the job done. So I find myself questioning and requesting (just for a while) that Life can pause itself. Things need to stop turning in order for me to climb back on top and regain some kind of control.
I think I may have covertly covered it before here on this blog, but I am trying my hardest to make a change to my life, to start something new, something that has eluded me for many many years now. Something that, back in the Summer finally seemed possible. The pieces came together and with opportunity presenting itself, I was able to go for, and secure some kind of future for myself. To get to this future I would need to work hard, and I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I need to be, but obstacles get in the way, no matter what I do or try, there they are, ready to trip me up and knock me back. I am not asking for it easy or for anything to be handed to me, just to be justly rewarded for my efforts by a little bit of understanding and leeway from this thing called ‘Life’.
Firstly it was time, the timing was wrong. I have a commitment and I need to continue being committed to give me time to raise… Secondly it was money, the money to actually afford to make this change… Thirdly it is transport, having the ability to get to said future safely and reliably. Three things which have frankly done nothing but work against me since I dared to dip my toe in the ‘pool of needing / getting’. The fourth dimension is health. The unknown dimension. From periods of progression and doing much better to the aches and pains that come from making the progress. Then comes the mental breaks from trying and trying and failing. To the more serious side of things such as the blackouts and loss of focus. – Most can be traced back to stress and anxiety. But still not making this ‘Life’ thing any easier.
I am not alone and I do not feel alone in any of this, I know my friends are there and I know if I call on them I’ll get the support I require to complete this journey. But this isn’t really about that, or work, or money or the car or health or any one singularity.
(and all that is not to say that nothing positive has happened over these past few months, it has, a lot has changed and improved, but that’s for another day and another time).
I just feel a little bit empty, a little bit distant and in need of a pause button.