The 6th June 2026.
7 years on from the darkest day of my 43 years on this earth. The day I lost you. The day you died. I try in my own way to mark each anniversary of this day. At 4:40am. – Not once in these 7 years so far have I got to do what I’ve wanted to do to mark this day. First of all, its not a celebration. Not at all. It’s not a time (for me personally) for family to come together and remember the good times and memories of you. For me – I don’t need that. I need space. I need quiet, but only because that’s all I’ve had in these first 7 years. Not through my own choice, but through the actions of others.
I am sure I am not blameless in this. Perhaps I don’t sufficiently communicate my thoughts and wishes for this day, but that is only because I’ve never been asked what I’d like to do.. I’ve always just gone along with whatever others wish to do. And each to their own, if that works for you then great. I am just saying that in the previous six years.. what’s been done, hasn’t worked for me. Hence me being alone.
What is it that I want to do? Well that’s another question entirely. The truth is.. I don’t know. I know I don’t feel like its a time for celebration. It’s not. Why would I want to celebrate the day I lost you? That’s just madness to me. The day to celebrate is your birthday.. surely. But what do I want to do? Perhaps I want to go scatter some of your ashes in some places? Perhaps I want to go out for a meal and a fucking strong drink.. perhaps. Rather than the drinking at home, alone that I am doing now… I don’t know. I just want to do something that.. feels right to me at the time. This year.. I reached out. I tried to find myself somewhere to be. Somewhere that wasn’t here. I managed it last night, so I was out by a day…
I can’t keep doing this. Going to bed feeling this bad. I’ve tried so very hard to build up something for myself something to get my teeth into and get stuck in to to distract myself from the darkness. I’ve really tried. But I can’t keep it up forever. Perhaps I should revert to the thing that’s expected of me. Nothingness. I can’t keep going to bed feeling this way. – 20th April 2026
I wrote that earlier in the year but haven’t posted it.. Yeh.. pretty much sums up where I’ve felt I am for the past.. couple of months. I honestly need a break.. Things have been just stress after stress lately and at some point I will break. But i’ve a few rounds left in me yet. There’s been SO MUCH that’s gone on these past.. God knows. We’ve had wars fought and finished in the time it takes me to make a post here. I mean Jesus.. These blogs are about as reliable now as me.. ******* * ****.
So to you Mum, here’s a toast.. It didn’t happen this year, but next year, we will get to do what we want to do today. I love you and I miss you more than anything in the world. I love you to the moon and back and that will never change. Rest in Peace…till we can be together again, goodnight.
